“Dad has a girlfriend. Did you know?”
It’s Sunday evening. Your son drops his bag in the hallway, kicks off his shoes and says it in passing: “Dad has a girlfriend. She was there all weekend. Did you know?” You didn’t. And now you’re standing in the hallway with a child who is reading your face to work out what he should think of it.
A new partner is part of life after a separation. For children it is still a big change, and for the other parent too. How it goes depends less on who the new partner is than on the order in which everyone hears about it and on what the two of you agree as parents.
Your co-parent first, then the children
You don’t need your ex’s permission to start a new relationship. It is wise, though, for the other parent to hear it from you and not from the children. A child who has to deliver the news is immediately caught between you.
Check what you have already agreed. Many parenting plans include an arrangement about new partners, for example that you inform each other before the children meet someone. If yours says nothing, this is a good moment to put it in writing.
Keep the message short and businesslike. You don’t owe an explanation of your relationship. What the other parent needs to know: that there is someone, when the children will meet him or her, and what changes in practice after that. More about that tone in our article on business-like communication between co-parents.
Give the other parent time. Even when the separation was long ago, this message can land hard. Waiting a day for a reply is not unwillingness.
When do you tell the children?
There is no fixed term. The most useful yardstick is whether the relationship is stable enough to last. Children who have only just got used to two homes gain little from getting to know someone who disappears again a few months later.
Tell them yourself, before the first meeting. Briefly, in plain words that suit their age: that you have met someone, what that person is called, and that nothing changes about who their parents are.
Don’t ask for enthusiasm. “You’re going to love her” sets the bar high. A child is allowed to have no opinion, or to be angry about it.
Make clear that they can talk about it. A child who has to keep a secret from the other parent is carrying something that isn’t theirs. That is why the order matters: if the other parent already knows, your child has nothing to hide.
The first meeting: start small
Choose something short on neutral ground. An ice cream, an hour at the playground, a walk. Not a whole weekend and not a sleepover.
Keep the fixed moments. Bedtime, the bedtime story and Saturday morning together stay yours and your child’s for now.
Build it up slowly. First an afternoon now and then, then dinner together, staying over only later. The pace of the slowest child is the pace of the family.
What do you arrange in practice with your co-parent?
Once a new partner is around more often, questions come up that have nothing to do with feelings and everything to do with organisation. It helps a great deal to answer them in advance.
- Pickup and drop-off. May the new partner collect the children from school or be present at the handover? Does the school know who may be at the gate?
- Parenting. The parents set the rules. A new partner supports, but doesn’t punish and doesn’t take major decisions.
- Important moments. Who comes to the parent-teacher meeting, the school play or the birthday? Agree this per occasion instead of letting it happen.
- Moving in together. A move or a new household affects the care schedule, travel time and sometimes the costs. Announce it well in advance.
- Contact. Arrangements about the children run between the parents. The new partner is not a go-between.
Record what you agree. Six months from now, nobody will remember exactly what was said in that one phone call.
When the other parent struggles with it
Your co-parent doesn’t have to like your new partner. What you may ask of each other is that neither of you speaks negatively about it in front of the children. Children notice at once and then feel guilty for having had a good time.
If you can’t work it out together, for example on when to introduce someone or on their role in pickup and drop-off, a mediator can help turn it into a workable arrangement. One session is often enough.
How Harmoneaz helps with these arrangements
Harmoneaz is the place where the two of you discuss and record everything about the children, including this.
- Discussions per topic — open a separate topic for this conversation, apart from school and holidays. Sent messages stay in place, so you can read back later what was agreed.
- Parent agreements — put the arrangement about introductions, pickup and drop-off with your other agreements, so it is still there a year from now.
- Shared calendar — both parents see who collects the children and who attends a school event.
- Adding another person — if you both want a new partner to be able to follow along, for example in the calendar, they can be added to the group as ‘another person’, with a view role or an edit role. If both parents have an account, the other parent has to approve that invitation first.
That way the conversation stays between the two of you, and the children don’t have to pass it on.
Further reading (external sources)
- Rijksoverheid (Dutch government) — what a parenting plan contains
- Villa Pinedo — experiences and tips from children of separated parents (Dutch)
- MfN (Mediatorsfederatie Nederland) — finding a mediator
